To explain what has happened in a year is not what I wanted to write about. I thought you received my letter in August for what was going on with me and such. But, you already know that. You don’t deserve to be treated like I have treated you along with most everyone in my life. I have pushed EVERYONE out. I can’t explain why, but that’s how I felt at the time so I did it. I do it a lot. That’s my own stuff. But, you don’t deserve that from anyone.
In truth, I got scared. Honestly, if I am being real with myself, I am scared of anyone getting to know me. I purposely push things away from myself that don’t seem familiar and I sit in my own filth. I didn’t feel passion in our relationship. I felt excited… but thinking about forever TRULY scared me. I felt like I was going to just watch TV in a basement for the rest of my life and that was it. I would be signing my freedom away.
During the summer, I went back to Washington. I did things that I had to do. I won’t go into detail, but I felt more passion about a stranger than I did about any important person in my life. I felt more passion than I ever felt with you…. so, I knew what I felt with you, if it was meant to be, it would happen. And it didn’t.
I came home in July and everything got worse. I started going out with acquaintances who were interesting and they all wanted one thing from me. I wasn’t willing to give them that… but, I couldn’t face my family or friends. I quickly forgot everyone I knew. I ran away. And I liked it.
When I got your birthday card, it was like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I knew I played you… and I didn’t do it maliciously… but I still did it. I still hurt you before I could even tell you. That’s when I wrote you the letter… basically explaining that I got scared and I’m not sure about my life.
Then, I met J. I thought J was cool and started dating him because he was everything you weren’t. I thought maybe if I’m running away from you that I would be okay… or that I could convince myself that this was what a relationship is: passion. It wasn’t passionate. I didn’t open up emotionally and he verbally abused me and made fun of my job… so I broke up with him.
Since then, I haven’t dated anyone. I know… big deal… four months…. but I haven’t talked to ANY guys lately. And, I haven’t had that in a long time. I haven’t had just a break from guys in a long time.
_______, you’re a great guy… and maybe if I weren’t so insecure with myself or feel like I didn’t have to run from everything, you would be a great companion for me. A red flag went off… you didn’t fight for me. You didn’t visit me. You didn’t do all the things that make me feel the heat. I am a wild rainbow, and you are just beige. God, I sound like a bitch… but I need someone on my level… and I don’t think you’re there.
So, I am sorry I treated you so poorly. You don’t deserve that. Have a great life and I hope you find someone on your level or who doesn’t run away.