43:365

Dear ______,

To explain what has happened in a year is not what I wanted to write about. I thought you received my letter in August for what was going on with me and such. But, you already know that. You don’t deserve to be treated like I have treated you along with most everyone in my life. I have pushed EVERYONE out. I can’t explain why, but that’s how I felt at the time so I did it. I do it a lot. That’s my own stuff. But, you don’t deserve that from anyone.

In truth, I got scared. Honestly, if I am being real with myself, I am scared of anyone getting to know me. I purposely push things away from myself that don’t seem familiar and I sit in my own filth. I didn’t feel passion in our relationship. I felt excited… but thinking about forever TRULY scared me. I felt like I was going to just watch TV in a basement for the rest of my life and that was it. I would be signing my freedom away.

During the summer, I went back to Washington. I did things that I had to do. I won’t go into detail, but I felt more passion about a stranger than I did about any important person in my life. I felt more passion than I ever felt with you…. so, I knew what I felt with you, if it was meant to be, it would happen. And it didn’t.

I came home in July and everything got worse. I started going out with acquaintances who were interesting and they all wanted one thing from me. I wasn’t willing to give them that… but, I couldn’t face my family or friends. I quickly forgot everyone I knew. I ran away. And I liked it.

When I got your birthday card, it was like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I knew I played you… and I didn’t do it maliciously… but I still did it. I still hurt you before I could even tell you. That’s when I wrote you the letter… basically explaining that I got scared and I’m not sure about my life.

Then, I met J. I thought J was cool and started dating him because he was everything you weren’t. I thought maybe if I’m running away from you that I would be okay… or that I could convince myself that this was what a relationship is: passion. It wasn’t passionate. I didn’t open up emotionally and he verbally abused me and made fun of my job… so I broke up with him.

Since then, I haven’t dated anyone. I know… big deal… four months…. but I haven’t talked to ANY guys lately. And, I haven’t had that in a long time. I haven’t had just a break from guys in a long time.

_______, you’re a great guy… and maybe if I weren’t so insecure with myself or feel like I didn’t have to run from everything, you would be a great companion for me. A red flag went off… you didn’t fight for me. You didn’t visit me. You didn’t do all the things that make me feel the heat. I am a wild rainbow, and you are just beige. God, I sound like a bitch… but I need someone on my level… and I don’t think you’re there.

So, I am sorry I treated you so poorly. You don’t deserve that. Have a great life and I hope you find someone on your level or who doesn’t run away.

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3 thoughts on “43:365

  1. I wonder if, in the grand scheme of things you really did treat him so poorly, or if you’re just so empathetic that you could see the potential for having hurt him. Why should have to apologize for being a wild rainbow to his beige? I’m not saying one should run roughshod over other’s feelings, especially in relationships. Rather, I’m curious whether women generally feel emotionally blackmailed by their upbringing or whatever else, to always think of their partner’s position, before they pen the Dear _____ letter.

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