44:365

So, today is Valentines Day.. or should I say, “National Holiday for Chocolate and Crappy Hallmark Cards that Say Something Cliche and Expected and NOT Romantic At All?”

I don’t find myself to be bitter about being single on this glorious Valentines Day of 2013. I don’t feel bitter at all. Yet, I cannot help but feel that pressure in my heart… where I did this to myself time and time again. It’s that pain you know won’t go away by eating a whole box of chocolate or having a bubble bath. It’s a pain that won’t stop even if my status went from “single” to “in a relationship.”

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Five years ago, I made an awful mistake. I was 19 years old and I fell for something MUCH younger than me. He never told me his age, but I knew he was not as old as I was. Five years ago, I let him kiss me good night. I let myself fall for him. I let go of the pain from my ex of two years. Five years ago, I realized that there are more fish in the sea. Five years ago, I ruined myself.

This kiss was not just any kiss. It was the kiss of death on my life in Washington State. It was the kiss that got me kicked out of youth group. It was the kiss that made me lose all my friends. It was the kiss that made me feel the dishonor from my parents. It was the kiss of death from my life in my own hometown. Five years ago, I lost my home. I lost my home base. I lost my true north. Five years ago, I kissed my old life goodbye.

That’s hard for me.

When I left Washington to move to NYC for school, I had fun. I made a new name for myself. I was the cool, confident chic girl from Seattle who was funny and had a great heart. I wasn’t the insecure cougar who fell for a 15 year old in Seattle. No one knew I kissed a minor. That’s all I did. Yet, the guilt still hurts to this day.

I’m not sure what the guilt is. I am not sure why I felt guilty.

“It’s was only a kiss, it was only a kiss…”

The truth is: I am insecure. No matter what you think or what you see or what you perceive, I am still insecure. One thing has changed… well, a few things have changed.

Last year, the boy I mentioned dating died from a drug overdose. Although I only kissed him a few times (seriously, that’s it!), I will always have a spot in my heart for what he meant to me and how he changed me. I regret not making peace with him and those around me, but it is far too late for an apology now. So, that changed.

The difference between now and then is that, although I still harbor insecurities and uncertainties, I can chose to live. I have chosen to live this life called “the human experience.” I have chosen to be who I am and not take the bullshit. I have chosen to not wallow in my self-doubt, although it NEVER went anywhere. Insecurities don’t just leave with the snap of the fingers. But, I am choosing to live… because I am documenting the human experience. I am not alone.

I am the human experience.

So, while the chocolate may numb the reality of my heart, I pick myself up, wipe the chocolate from my lips, and say that I am alive. I have made a change. I have become new. I am a new person. EVERY DAY I am a new person as I am a culmination of my choices, right and wrong. And you are, too.

So, Happy Fucking Valentines Day to you. You deserve to be loved and lived and cherished… even if it makes you cry.

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