45:365

This morning on a random news feed of blogs I should read, the title, “The First Time We Touched Each Other… Naked.” Immediately, I clicked the link. I am human. Humans are attracted to things that are deemed provocative even if we are saints inside these bodies. I am a human. I like nakedness. I like things that are deemed shameful our vulnerable. I like being naked because I have nothing to hide.

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always been the outlandish I-have-nothing-to-hide uncensored bold girl. I’ve worn leggings as pants before it was a fad. I dyed my hair red before Hayley Williams made it cool. I speak my mind because I’ve never been afraid of myself… well, almost.

I’m afraid of being vulnerable when someone is not willing to be vulnerable back. Those dreams people have about being naked in front of the school are daunting. I’ve never been ashamed of my body or my humanity. However, when someone else keeps their clothes on and shuts their mouth, I instantly cower back in fear. I am afraid of being transparent when someone is not willing to be transparent back.naked-dream-def-47173084-large

Last night, while I was supposed to go get Valentines drinks with a friend, a new guy friend I have known for a month, with whom I’ve developed some sort of feelings for, sat in my room and we talked about life. Well, rather, I talked about my life and he listened. However, when I asked him to be specific in his sharing, he shut up.

I turned something off. Minutes later, he left. He walked away after I was unloading my thoughts and feelings. I confessed my deepest secret of all.

It’s not really a secret as much as it’s that no one really needs to know. It’s really no ones business… but it will cause you to judge me. That’s inevitable. Everyone judges everyone… but to think you are better than someone after they bare their soul is hurtful and unforgiving.

My secret: I’m a virgin.

I am beyond open to talk about sexuality. I grew up in such a manner that set me up to be as open as a good novel or an ice cream shop on a hot day. I’m open. I’m ready. I’m willing. But, virginity is a whole other story. There has always been something about sex that has stunted me. It’s something that has held me back, weighed me down, and kicked me in the balls (metaphorically, of course.. because, last I checked, I don’t have balls.)

But why?

In this culture, why is it acceptable to talk about sexuality on television and music and not about virginity? When did being a virgin be deemed so…”dirty?”

I hope to never experience the instant rejection I felt after being transparent as I was last night. I hope this opens up myself to conversations about virginity. Above all, I hope this causes you to get to know me a bit more so we can start a conversation. I want my life to mean something more than just being “that curly red haired girl who can’t seem to lose her V card.” I want it to mean something more.

And I truly hope I sparked some thought in your head today.

Leave a comment!!!

tumblr_mi78gcqNfV1s2yd39o1_500

Advertisements

21 thoughts on “45:365

  1. Rather it be with someone you feel something for than not. I lost mine while I was nigh on too drunk to recall the act when I woke up – not something I recommend but not something I regret either. There is a time and a place, and a person, for all things in life. The moment will come when it’s right, people rush into things they same way they sometimes rush through lives.

  2. Actually, I think that should be a badge of honor and not something to be ashamed of. In today’s world, we are so quick to give away everything that means anything to us. Of course as a father of a little girl, I can only hope to instill the value of waiting until the time is right… You only get one first time, so why not wait for the right person… Congrats to you…

  3. I am a virgin as well and you’re not alone. I am very open and proud of being a virgin, but in today’s society it is a shunned thing. Last week I went to the dr and they weren’t surprised that I was ordered a pregnancy test, but they were utterly dumbfounded when I informed them it wasn’t necessary because I’m a virgin. It was extraordinarily brave of you to share with him and I close up when feeling exposed as well.

  4. I am a 25 year old virgin. You are not alone. I am loud and proud about being a virgin, but it is a shunned thing in today’s society. I went to the dr last week and they weren’t amazed that I was ordered a pregnancy test, but their mouths dropped open in shock when I informed them I don’t need that because I’m a virgin. It is something to be proud of. I understand your hatred of vulnerability I share that ad well and shut down/throw all my defenses up when I feel exposed.

  5. I think a little too much emphasis is attached to a hymen. But perhaps that’s coming from the position that I haven’t had mine in a while. I can see you being stereotyped by your hymen: oh you’re a good girl, waiting for that someone special, perhaps you’re deeply religious or conservative? Maybe you’re waiting for your marriage bed, in which case you must be a naive, sweet romantic, unaware of the heart ache of the world. Oh, you’re a cock tease. You lead men on, but then always pull back. There must be something wrong with you, maybe you’re frigid (or whatever word is now used to mean that). You’re alien in some way, there must be some belief system in you that seems antiquated to the non-virgins, that inspires you to keep your hymen in tact.

    It is what it is. The more important questions are about why you feel dirty for it. Whether you choose to be a virgin, or choose to lose your virginity, it is your choice. How you feel about either state, is your choice. So, why do you choose shame?

      • No one has ever asked me why. It used to be religion. It used to be my parents. It used to be some many excuses. I stopped for a good long minute and realize… I am a virgin, not by Jesus or my parents, but because I believe sex is supposed to be special and the western world has made sex seem like “no big deal” when it really is. I don’t have sex with just anyone. I want to have sex with someone who has my heart. I will be naked in front of ANYONE… but sex seems personal. If I wait until marriage, that’s cool. I hope to only have sex with one person… I only want one person to know me that deep.

      • Well, it CAN be. I’ve seen it be as common as a handshake for a few friends of mine. But, I don’t want that. Is that so difficult? Is that so hard?

  6. Don’t do it til you are ready. You can’t go back an erase it.
    My friend waited til she was 26, she was super hot, but never felt like the boys she dated were the boys she wanted to loose it to. It made them all want her more and she didn’t do it til she was ready.
    I’m a bit of a prude. I don’t really talk about sex, but it doesn’t make me dull- I hope!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s