53:365

(I am writing this Sunday morning because I was out all day Saturday… but these were my thoughts.)

I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower yesterday with my friend. I’ve seen it before. I’ve read the book. I’ve experienced it. EVERY TIME I experience the book or movie, I feel the same way I felt the first time read it in seventh grade. The book had just come into the local library. I picked it up and started unfolding the story of Charlie, a troubled teenager who is going through a breakdown.

My mom found the book and told me to return it. It had sex and drugs and masturbation in it. It was not good for a girl only in the seventh grade to read such novels. I didn’t return it right away. I finished it. It was forbidden. My eyes were open to the world.

I wasn’t thrown off by the sex and drugs and masturbation. I was captured by the words and the characters I could easily relate to.

 

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

 

As I slip away to the Imagine Dragon and Atlas Genius show, I stare at the crowd softer. We are all fighting this battle of life. We are all trying to figure out what it’s like to be a human. We are experience the human life.

 

And we accept the love we think we deserve.

 

But that’s horseshit. I want all the love. I want love BEYOND what I think. I want to love harder than I have been loved.

 

Have you ever just looked at someone and wanted to love them so hard but you have NO FREAKING IDEA how to do that?

I am always afraid to come off as a creep thus further pushing the other person away.

But, I have been loved hard.

And I love myself.

But, what is it all worth if I cannot love?

What is my life actually worth if I can’t show someone my love? Physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually?

It’s not if I can find someone to love. Plenty people want and have tried to love me… but I run away from people whose love I cannot accept.

Thus, the struggle of love.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

How true that is.

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