54:365

I’ve been crazy for about 15 years. I’ve never been a thin girl. In today’s society, if you aren’t thin, you aren’t healthy. So, I assumed I have never had good health. I’ve never been worthy of love. To make matters worse, I would eat garbage until I was full and puke it up later. That was my life until about 11th grade.

It’s been almost 10 years since I stopped loathing myself and starting loving myself. I have this condition in my colon that has a lot to do with eating right. It has a lot to do with being active. Most of all, it has a lot to do with MENTALLY feeling fit.

Like I said: I’ve been crazy for about 15 years.

Mentally, something didn’t seem right. I didn’t connect with most kids. I couldn’t hear or listen to instructions. I could never sit still. I was unhealthy. Later, I was diagnosed with AD(H)D and some anxiety. At 24 years of age, I can still taste the pills that made me sane. I can still remember the way I felt walking down the white walls of junior high. I can remember the zombie-like states I would be in where my personality was white-washed over.

I was not okay.

I’ve learned to live with my ADHD. I no longer need medication, but I can still feel it creeping in at times. I eat a lot better than I used to. I am a strict gluten-free diet. I have to work out at least 4 times a week. If I don’t get enough sleep every night, I grow anxious and want to punch everything.

People always ask what my niche is.

My niche?

I’m a human with all these issues, but I will NEVER let it stop me from my own goals and dreams. I deserve happiness. I deserve someone that loves me. I deserve a career and a blue house with a fenced yard for my 4 kids and dog to play in. I deserve a family that isn’t torn apart by indifference. I deserve it. I will never let myself-my crazy- to get in the way of myself.

So, I will dance to the rhythm of my own heart and no fucks will be given.

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8 thoughts on “54:365

  1. I know I’ve felt very similar in the past. In my case, my shy, awkward shell that I had been living in for WAY too long has finally started to break off. I took my sweet time and really starting to understand how to just enjoy being the person I truly believe I was born to be. Not shy and reclusive, but outgoing and personable. I still have a way to go before I really can say that I am a balanced, and self-loving person, but at least I’m on the right track. Thanks for sharing, it feels like I’m getting to know you all over again!

    • I like getting to know people via blogs. I like knowing what’s on people’s mind. I do find it difficult getting to know someone that DEEPLY in person. I get it. I get the fear of rejection. Ya know?

  2. You’re beautiful – keep living and loving yourself. At the end of the day – you are the one you are always going to be with no matter what happens. Besides – just so you know I like curvy women, my husband likes curvy women and most of the people I know love curvy women… who wants a hat rack? Nothing to hold on to. No softness… Hugs to you – you inspire me.

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