Ya know what they say about old habits? They are always apart of you. Whether or not that is true is irrelevant in the eye of the beholder. Everyone has habits. Some are good; some are bad. Whether they are old or new, they are habits and they are apart of us.
To say that last night’s conversation was like old habits really hurt me a bit. It was if you were saying that it was a habit you wanted to get rid of. Like I am something you just want to get rid of. Maybe I’m inferring too far into your words, but that’s how I feel.
I miss the way it used to be… and I’m two years too late, I suppose.
I can’t help but feel like this is not supposed to end… whether or not that’s true is also irrelevant. I cannot be in a relationship by myself. I fantasize these thoughts and have dreamed things I shouldn’t… or perhaps I should. But I feel all these things for you. I realized when I got up from my dream the other day that they aren’t bad things. It’s good. I am finally feeling for someone else besides myself.
Maybe that’s all you’re good for for me…. to help me be selfless. Maybe you want me out of your life. Friends…. we are always going to be friends… who have seen each other ______. We are friends who gave each other a part of ourselves that we cannot take back.
If I ever came to visit, I would hope to always visit as friends… always. I always want to have you as a friend. You make me feel special and I need that. Everyone needs that. But, I will be tempted. It’s not a “sin” to be tempted.
It really pissed me off after you said you would be tempted with me… not that you are tempted but, if you are tempted, why you aren’t doing anything about it. But, that is selfish of me for you to drop everything and want me back. I think it. … and it can never be unthought.
Everything is a but….
You never fought for me when I left. You just let it happen. I got hurt by N. I got hurt so bad I haven’t let ANYONE in since then. I almost gave my virginity up last summer after some HORRIBLE thoughts and insecurities flew by. Where were you? You were not waiting for me. You haven’t ever been waiting for me… and I deserved it, I guess.
My relationship with God has always been important to me. I flip off God a lot. I walk away from my relationship with God a lot. I sin, I walk, and I run back. God always loves me. My family is the same way. I have walked, sinned, and run back… and they still want me back. Friends have always done that.
When it comes to dating, I have never been able to mend that wound... I have never been able to fix it. There are reasons, I suppose. I suspect that we all have trust issues….
But, if you can tell me now that you have entertained thoughts of us or something of us, yet are staying with her, Then I should go. I have been on the other side of cheating before and it hurts. I don’t want to hurt her, although I don’t see why you are with her. I don’t see what she has that I don’t… other than your heart.
As friends, you never speak of her… which makes me believe she is not important. You don’t light up about her as you did with me.
But, I wanted you to chase me.
I wanted you to want me back.
I can’t expect you to leave your relationship with her.
I can only expect you to think… what if?
It’s not fair. I am not fair. That’s life, though. I am torn between wanting to be friends with you, if that’s all I can have with you, and not wanting to be friends because I have these tremendous feelings for you that I can’t melt off. I can’t shake the feeling of wanting you to be mine. That will never go away. I tried drinking away the feelings. I tried dating other people. I tried everything… but I can’t shake you. What is the reason for that?
I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to lose you as a friend.
I just want to be heard.
So, I hope you heard what I had to say and what my heart is feeling.
I love you.
And I problem will for the rest of my lame ass life.
Because I’m a sucker for what coulda, shoulda, woulda been if I wasn’t such a damn fucking stupid human.